Full Circle

Nothing really prepares you emotionally for the birth of your child.  You can read countless books that describe every minute detail and scenario, watch TV programs that show women graphically giving birth, or be in the room with a friend and witness it all first hand....but until it is you...you really have no idea.

When the nurse brought my daughter to me that first night to stay with me in the room, she was all wadded up in a blanket a mile long.  Just a small part of her face was peeking out.  I carefully unwrapped her like a special treasure that was fragile and rare.  This baby girl was mine and she would not be spending the night in a cold plastic nursery bassinet alone in a room full of stranger babies.  I wanted to see the tiny toes and count the little fingers.  To marvel at what I had created that was no longer inside me but out in the world...and in my arms.

I spent the whole night gazing at her and singing to her.  I sang Elvis, Patsy Cline, gospel music, You Are My Sunshine, and countless songs from the 80's.  I think I sang so I wouldn't fall asleep.  As tired as I was, I wanted the moment to last as long as possible.  So, I sang...nursed...and studied my child. 

Staring at the dark eyes of this child and the insane mop of inky dark hair on her head, I beamed with pride.  It was starting to wash over me in waves.  I realized that the torch had been passed. The circle was moving and I had a new role.  I was no longer a child of my mother's...I was a mother to this child.  In that moment I gained a new appreciation for the sacrifices my mother had made for me.  Grasping completely and instantly what this new role meant.

Then the waves crashed again.  Driving deeper still this time.  All this love I felt for this child...all the responsibility...my pride and joy...this creation lovingly knit and nourished in my body....knowing that no matter what she ever would do or say....that I loved her unconditionally.  It struck me hard....this is the same love that our heavenly Father has for each one of us.   I am His pride and joy.   He knit me together so carefully and knew me before anybody else.  That He still loves me even though I am not perfect and have run away from Him from time to time. I can lash out all I want to and He is still right there with a love that is abundant. I am His child and He loves me unconditionally.

It was a full circle moment.  Washed away in love.